It’s was a rough weekend. Sitting with some irritating feelings on day 84. They are getting stronger as the day wears on so I thought typing them out would be good.
I’ve been on my self care game, kicking ass really. Feeling good about life and super proud of myself. Many of the self care things I’ve always wanted to do regularly have been falling into place. I’m chugging along, not drinking and expanding myself with all the space that’s available to me without alcohol weighing me down.
I haven’t been sharing a lot of my alcohol free journey with my partner other than how great I am feeling because he doesn’t seem that interested. But he is witnessing my new habits and attitudes about life. And that is making him JEALOUS!
This weekend he made comments about my high standards and how hard they are to live up to. That didn’t feel good to hear. I’m not pushing him to change in any way, but because I am elevating to a new level he thinks I am looking down on him. He said things about how… I’m killing it right now and making everyone else look bad, I’m too perfect and he’s feeling less than, he is worried I will move forward without him. Well, those words certainly don’t woo me.
He practically spit my self care practices out at me in a “you’re a goody two shoes” voice, “You’re doing great at yoga and you’re meditating, doing your gratitude journal. Oh, and let’s not forget your weekly flowers. Stop making the rest of us look bad, but hey… You’re doing a really good job, keep it up.”
Wow! Kind of at a loss for words. Feeling 100% unsupported and alone.
He does not struggle with alcohol. His vice is sugar. Which sometimes he controls and other times he does not. Currently he is out of control comforting himself with sweets. His self esteem is low because he is gaining weight and sugar negatively impacts his energy and attitude. He is very aware of what he is doing, but doesn’t want to stop right now.
We are all responsible for making our own choices and deciding when it is time to choose another path. The changes I’ve made in these last couple of months are paying off and I’m implementing more. Removing alcohol from my life has given me the strength and space to make so many other positive changes almost effortlessly. I hope he is able to figure his shit out because my shining light is here to stay. I’m willing to tolerate neutral support during this time of change, but I will not be dragged down.