When the Memories Come…

img_4290It’s been a bit since I last posted, but I’ve been plugging along collecting more sober days. Today is day 138. For the most part, things have been going GREAT! I am continually awed by the leaps and bounds of positive growth that is happening to me without alcohol cluttering things up. It’s incredible, magical even.

I’m journaling regularly and quite in touch with my feelings these days. Memories from my past occasionally come up out of nowhere and remind me of just how far I’ve really come. A lot of people talk about shame and guilt from their drinking days in sobriety. And I’ve always been like, “I don’t have any shame or guilt. Alcohol just wasn’t making me feel good anymore so I stopped.” Read that with some attitude.

Well, hold the horses. My mind is reminding me that’s not true. There were a lot of hard times during my heaviest drinking years which were from the ages of 24-35. I’ve been moving in a positive direction since I turned 36 and I am 40 now. My drinking wasn’t out of control during these recent years. Sometimes it was heavier than others, but nothing like the 24-35 time period. I’ve realized I repressed much of the pain from that time, including shame and guilt.

There is a challenge on FB right now to post your first FB profile pic and your current one to see how you have changed. I did the challenge, of course. And when I really looked into the the eyes of my old self from 2009, I saw such sadness. 2009 was smack dab in the middle of my HARD years. I had a little cry for that girl this morning. Who knew a FB challenge would bring up so many feelings!

Remembering those times is important and there are things I need to spend some time working through, but I am thankful to be aware of the work I need to do. My heart is full of compassion for the hurting girl I used to be and I know she would be so proud of me now.

 

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